Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.