Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You Might Also Like
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.