[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
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There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring