me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…