I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
What my back needs
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs