Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
WTF
car not found
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container