Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.