Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.