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why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Best spot.. 😅
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans