Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.