*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
How can I say no to this ?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?