interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.