LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Guilty! 🤪
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes