What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet