@JackieluvsUK

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

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@heidi420x

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

@TheAdly

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

@roastmalone_

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@iJesseWilliams

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

@slyoung5

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@GrahamOfTheDead

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

@williamwanton

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.