Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.