@heidi420x Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
@JackieluvsUK Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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@heidi420x 
@TheAdly – Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
@roastmalone_ IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
@SufficientCharm *Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
@iJesseWilliams 1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
@slyoung5 Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
@GrahamOfTheDead The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
@williamwanton I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
@English_Channel customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
@Midgetspar Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.