let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.