let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.