@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

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@aissalanis

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

@NEthingButWork

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

@shivillex

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@KickSumHunibuns

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

@ThisOneSayz

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@evangeline_dawn

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.