I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.


Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do


Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing


I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.


North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))


Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.


CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that


iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.


If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*


Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.