I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
#Caturday
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy