“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
You Might Also Like
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My five year plan is a meteorite