I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
one of
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Holy shit he’s back
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court