Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
…..pretty much.
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I have a place for everything. The floor.