Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs