By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.