You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My Sentiments Exactly
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.