How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Harsh but fair
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Every house has this drawer
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”