DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
You Might Also Like
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
giddy up Office Depot
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Sorry not sorry.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.