Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me irl
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning