Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.