As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
definitely did not do anything wrong
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
3% human
97% stress
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit