DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.