Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags