Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table