@SarahSurgey1

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

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@RealPrincessKim

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@NickSchug

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

@chopper4jk

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

@XplodingUnicorn

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@capnwatsisname

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

@Greg_1_Leg

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

@sa1martha

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*