Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

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A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.


The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.


Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.


Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking


My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.


Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.


*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*