I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
stand with me against insufficient seating
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours