Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]