Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
You Might Also Like
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.