My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
You can’t outrun your problems…
when revenge coincides with naptime
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Herpes is trending, good job people
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?