Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Oh, I bet you would be
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom