My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?