Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.