I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
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If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?