my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
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Actually cracking up @ this
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Möther may I have a snäck
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.