What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I hate everything
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
put ‘er there pardner!
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.