My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
What about second breakfast?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
oh no, steve’s working tonight
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.