Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works