My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
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Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.