Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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this chia pet tastes awful
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for