Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

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Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.


There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.


[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”


Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”


cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now


“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.


The second world war should have been called world war returns


I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry


*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”