this chia pet tastes awful
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Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Möther may I have a snäck
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Real House Wines.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.