My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
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I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons