I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Girl, same.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady