i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.