I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
British websites use biscuits.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us