[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.