[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
You Might Also Like
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*me flirting
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
#DesignFail
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)