*me flirting
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My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural